One anger management technique that is particularly important is to be aware of how you and your partner respond to each other in everyday conversation.
Forget the big fights; its these little disdainful ways of responding to each other that predicts whether or not your relationship is destined to last or be destroyed by small anger.
Research has shown there are five types of anger that are especially destructive to a relationship:
1) Confrontational Reactions? are anger filled or threatening by nature. You come across as spoiling for a fight and will argue with just about anything your partner says, no matter what it is
WIFE: Here's an interesting article? HUSBAND: Can't you see I'm trying to read?
2) Oppositional Responses are when a spouse nitpicks as a way to get their partner upset.
WIFE: Would you like a tangerine? HUSBAND: That's not a tangerine. It's a Satsuma orange.
3. Domineering Responses involve attempts to control the other. The goal is to get the partner to withdraw or submit. S/he may take on a paternal tone.
WIFE: My car's in the shop. Can you give me a lift? HUSBAND: I suppose. But only if you're ready at five P.M. sharp. I've got better things to do than to sit around waiting for you.
4. Critical Reactions are broad attacks on the partner's character. They're different from a complaint, which focuses on a particular event or specific behavior. People speak in global terms when being critical, using phrases like "you always?" and "you never?" Critical anger responses are often loaded with blame or betrayal:
HUSBAND: I'm feeling really tired. I need some time alone this afternoon. WIFE: That figures. You're always so lazy and self-centered. All you do is think about yourself.
5. Defensive Responses are when one of you refuses to have any empathy or take responsiblity for your role in the problems you may be having
HUSBAND: What a day I had! I'm exhausted. WIFE: So you think my day was a picnic? I worked my tail off, too!
WIFE: I'm worried about the bills. HUSBAND: It wasn't my idea to buy the new car.
Any of these sound familiar to you? Your not alone, there's a reason the divorce rate is so high. The only thing worse than being in a miserable relationship is being alone and miserable. But that doesn't have to be you. Its not that hard to turn this kind of thinking around and have the kind of relationship you've always wanted. You just need to know the right anger management techniques.
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